2/4/13

February 4th, 2011 I started a journey I definitely would not have chosen if given the chance. A journey that broke me, bruised me, killed me, chewed me up, spit me back out, and told me I was a worthless peice of shit. It was a journey that introduced me to a real, living Savior. A Savior with a love so deep for me, this worthless piece of shit, it's like I missed something, some peice of the story. I hadn't done anything good worthy of anybody's love. In fact I lost "the love of my life" due to what I had done. So why was He every where I went, arms open, letting me know He loved me and peace and rest was in Him.

I grew up in the church, I am a covenant child, and I couldn't think of any ways I could be more blessed. I have had an amazing church family, that has loved and pursued me the entirity of my life. My mother is a beautiful picture of Christ's love and forgiveness, and an amazing woman of God. My father is a leader in our church and more of man than any other I have met. They provided my sister, brothers and me with the necessities to have a saving faith in the Lord and I'm glad to say that is what has happened.

Yet my confidence in Christ was nearly extinct, regardless of being raised in the church, my parents teachings, youth group, private school, and christian friend groups. You could ask me if I was a christian, and I would tell you yes, very confidently, but in my mind the question swirled about. Am I really?

No I didn't act like a christian, most of the time I didn't talk like one, but I had a good many people fooled, including myself into thinking my faith was solid and I was on the right track.

My freshman year of college I pledged a sorority, I was elected chaplin, and I told myself I was gonna lead as many of these girls that I could to Christ. February 4th, 2011, my freshman year of college, my world erupted..into a cataclysmic, sinful death trap. I followed this path for the whole spring semester. I knew I was wrong, I didn't necessarily want or know how to stop, I just wanted to forget everything, so I did the only way I knew how. I couldn't tell you what happened those nights, I don't remember, and the next morning was always the same pounding headache, that brought back all that I originally wanted to forget.

I would sit up at night sobbing, to embarrassed to tell anyone what had been done to me, to embarrassed to tell anyone I didn't know how to deal with it, and to embarrassed of the way I was dealing with it. I would cry out to God, why did you do this to me? I'm stained, I'm gross, I'm ugly and I don't know what to do about it and you won't show me what to do about it. Fix me! Take it back! Please do this for me...I wasn't patient enough to wait and listen to God though.

I've mentioned Ridge Haven in an earlier post, I went to Ridge Haven that summer, still hadn't told anyone anything, and a wonderful man, Archie Moore, was one of our counselor trainers. He came to me one day after training, and without hesitation, or question said to me: "Whatever you need to tell to someone, the Lord has you, in this moment and that moment you decide to tell. Give it to Lord and He will help you." Well my first thought was, abso-freakin-lutely not. Yet later that night, I told my boyfriend, my parents, and my best friend everything. Everything that had happened, that I had done, and it was unexplainably hard, and incredibly relieving. I had thrown up all my sin, and though it still looked really ugly, I felt better. Not fixed, no not even close, but peaceful.

C.S. Lewis says, "We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive." I had simply just turned my head to look back on the path I was walking to the path I should be walking, and already I felt immensly better. It was probably the most grueling and unenjoyable summer I've had at Ridge Haven. I was scared, of everything. I didn't want to come back to school, to my sorority, to the demons that were waiting for me here. I had plenty with me up there at camp, coming back I would just cave underneath them.
I came back though, I stayed in my sorority for another year, and then dropped for financial reasons. I started counseling at the college, quickly quit and went to a christian counseling service that I have been with for a year now. Coming back was hard though, Statesboro was home, IS home. I love it here, but so many memories of my past were here. I would sit up at night, laying in my momma's lap, quietly crying, as she told me over and over, every single day, "Gracie, you are beautiful. I love you and you WILL get through this. God will not forsake you." My family, momma, daddy, sister and brothers and their spouses, were all praying for me. God used each one of them specifically to help me in that time.
I didn't just turn around, sprint to the path of righteousness and started living perfectly. Far from it, I struggled to get back to that path, and I struggle on it now. I would find my identity in guys, getting myself hurt constantly. I would get so angry with others, God and myself. My best friend would talk with me but I resented her for not having to go through what I had. I was fighting a battle against myself and I was losing.




My best friend, Lauren!

 I was going to a university ministry group called RUF: Reformed University Fellowship. I still go to this group, it's so good! The campus minister for RUF asked to meet with me and pretty much nailed my sin to my face, in a gentle way, but in the way I needed.
I was completely unforgiving, of others, of myself. I did not, COULD NOT forgive. Why would I? Had I not just told you that I had done the worst thing anyone could do?! That I, had done to me, the worst thing aynone could do?

Then, another step on my way back to the path of Righteousness,a  step that scared me to the core. A step that turned into determination, I WILL get through this.

I forgave.



I sought the Lord and He answered me, He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant and their faces are NEVER covered with shame. Pslams 34:4-5

2/4/11

I forgive you.



 What wonderful freedom! There was still struggle, there was still pain but it was not the center of my thinking anymore. To think the Lord forgave me, immediately, because of His love for me.

I was slowly but definitely growing closer to God, to a life worthy to be called His. Learning about His redeeming grace, endless mercy, and unconditional love. Life had meaning, not for my own sake but for the glory of God. The days became beautiful, rain or shine. I could feel the warmth of his spirit, even in the coldest of nights. I became lovely, because God loves me.

"Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established"

proverbs 16:3 

I never thought I would be the person I am now. Molded and shaped by my past, by the hands of God.Would I have chosen this journey, no, but without it I wouldn't be where I am. I shutter to think of where I could be, and smile to think that he aligned everything just so, that I am here, now.

"To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there"

-Casting Crowns

2/4/13

God is Good.